you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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