someone owes me an orgasm
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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