Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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