he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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