I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize