hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
