peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
