I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
