today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
