Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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