my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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