I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
