I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize