I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
