Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
