i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
