today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
