peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
