i may or may not be watching the land before time
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
