i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
