Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize