i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
