Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
