Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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