just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just high enough for therapy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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