No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
