I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
