I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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