I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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