I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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