She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
