Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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