And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
