we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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