so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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