highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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