I never want to see another naked old woman again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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