ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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