I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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