I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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