I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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