The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
