My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
