My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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