you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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