Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
