I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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