I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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