That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
