he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize