They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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