I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
