I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
