Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
