I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
