Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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