i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
