i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
