Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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